Last night saw the European premier of the new Bat Man and Robin film The Dark Knight. I was there in London's Leicester Square to see the actors and get all the hot gossip for Eyes on the Stars.
I arrived early (around 6AM), but there wasn't much going on yet. I asked one man if he knew where the best place to stand was, but he didn't understand English and he smelt a bit of wee. Luckily I'd anticipated a long wait and so I'd brought my trusty fold-up camping chair, some cheddar and Monster Munch sandwiches and three bottles of blue flavour Powerade.
I sat on my chair for a while and ate half a sandwich, but aside from an altercation between the smelly foreign man and a road sweeper, the next three hours were uneventful. I decided to kill some time in my old London standby: The Science Museum!
I can't recommend the Science Museum enough. In some ways this is the best place to visit if you want to know about the celebrities of the past: Charles Babbage, Edward Jenner, Michael Faraday. If they'd had Heat magazine or celebrity blogsites like this one in the Olden Days, they would certainly have featured pictures of John Logie Baird falling out of Soho pubs at 3AM, just like Amy Winehouse! Unfortunately, as often happens to me in museums, I lost track of time and when I finally looked up from the display about the Difference Engine, it was 8PM and I'd drunk all three bottles of Powerade! I hurried back to the London Tube to get back to the Premier!
By the time I finally got back, there was a huge crowd and I was stuck at the back! I told people who I was and that I was actually there first at 6AM and that I worked for the UK's number one celebrity blogsite, but they still wouldn't let me through to the barrier. Luckily the three bottles of Powerade had turned my tongue completely blue, so instead of asking people politely to move I just stuck my cobalt tongue out at them like a mental. In no time at all I was at the barrier albeit being watched closely by the fascist security goons (why does Bat Man need security?!).
And just in time too, as the limousines were starting to pull up and the stars were arriving by the dozen! First to arrive was Kelly Osbourne, daughter of Ozzy Osbourne who is married to Sharon Osbourne. I asked Kelly where Ozzy was, but she was too far away and couldn't hear me. When I shouted louder she unfortunately noticed my blue tongue and walked in the opposite direction. The security were eyeing me suspiciously and looking twitchy at this point, so I kept quiet for a while. The next person to arrive I'm afraid I didn't recognise: a handsome man with cropped hair, maybe part of the crew? The crowd seemed to recognise him though as they were going wild! They must be real film buffs.
I must admit I was getting a bit frustrated now. I had been in London for over 15 hours and there was still no sign of Adam West, Burt Ward or Caesar Romeo! I'm afraid I let out a swear at this point: "Where is the bloody Joker!?" I said. The man next to me heard this and (looking at my tongue) said "Haven't you heard? He's dead you idiot."
"Oh, thanks for ruining the ending for me," I said, "I suppose you're the kind of person who went around telling everyone that Bruce Willis was dead in the Sixth Sense as well!"
He didn't know what to say to that one! The next person to arrive was another nobody: a tall lady with dark hair. The crowd roared again.
By now I realised the crowd would cheer anyone who paraded down the red carpet! And, maybe it was the Powerade affecting my judgement, but I thought if I'm not going to see Adam West, I may as well have some excitement. As the tall brunette lady was walking by, I started to climb over the barrier.
Unfortunately readers I'm afraid don't remember anything past this point. I must have been cheered by the crowd so much that I passed out with excitement because the next thing I knew I was waking up in an empty Leicester Square! I looked at my watch and it was 4AM tomorrow (today) and the smelly foreign man was standing over me and pointing.
"Blue tongue, blue toungue." he was saying.
"I didn't think you spoke English?" I said.
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