Dear Gert

Celebrity stalking advice with Gert van der Graaf.

Dear Gert,

I'm relatively new to stalking. I've been obsessively tracking Kylie Minogue for just three years now, but I've already been sacked from my job and disowned by my friends and family. To follow Kylie around the world, I've spent all my savings and run up £15,000 of credit card debt. To make matters worse Kylie is playing hard to get and has just applied for a restraining order on me. I want to carry on with my hobby but it is becoming financially and legally difficult and I must admit I'm close to packing it in!

Yours at the end of his tether,
Bob Teddington, Teddington.

Dear Bob,

My motto is “Quitting is for quitters”! Stalking is not a hobby for the fickle. It requires a special person with the dedication to follow their dream through to the bitter end.

I have been unhealthily obsessed with ABBA star Agnetha Faeltskog since my childhood. I didn't listen to those naysayers who told me to stop my pursuit. I cut off all ties with family and friends who did not understand my hobby. As Ghandi said “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you, then you win”. My dediction finally paid off when Agnetha finally relented and I was involved in a relationship with her for two years between 1997 and 1999.

Your friend,
Gert.

Dear Gert,

I have been relentlessly stalking singer Jay Kay from Jamiroqui for five years now, but I am starting to have doubts that my feelings for him are mutual. He has taken out several restraining orders on me and has just filed for an injunction against the website I set up about him and his family. Last week I tried to talk to him whilst he was at the traffic lights in one of his collection of 37 sports cars and he pulled off at such a speed that he almost ran me over! I'm sure this was an accident or frustration at the way his BASTARD staff keep me from seeing him, but the seeds of doubt are in my mind. What should I do?

Yours worringly,
Kevin Jason Kay Smith, Essex.

Dear Kevin,

My advice is to read between the lines. Public signs of agression or anger by your object of affection are probably just an act for the world to see. Many times I used to be publically rebuked by Agneetha or her staff. But I knew this was just because the love of a celebrity for her stalker is, as Oscar Wilde said, “The love that dare not speak its name”. And like Oscar, we stalkers are still a persecuted minority.

I suggest looking for more subtle signs of Jay Kay's affection. Stand outside his house at night and watch the pattern of room lights as they are turned on and off. It could be he is communicating his affection for you via Morse code. Tape all his TV appearances and watch them back in slow motion. Look out for so-called “micro gestures”, which indicate his unrequited love for you. This is how I kept up my stalking through the hard times and it all paid off when I was involved in a serious relationship with Agneetha between 1997 and 1999. Remember: never give up!

Your friend,
Gert.