When? Last week
Where? Melbourne, Australia.
Says our spotter:
I was a crew member on the reality show Australian Princess, where light-fingered butler Paul Burrell humiliates young Aussie women for the entertainment of the brain-dead viewing public. From the moment we started filming the new series, the programme was dogged by strange events.On the first day, all the electrics on the shoot went wrong. It took us hours to get the lighting, sound and cameras working again. The next day, whilst Paul was reducing a girl from New South Wales to tears, several wine glasses seemed to fling themselves across the room where they smashed themselves against the floor. I had previously worked on Most Haunted with Yvette Fielding, so I instantly recognised this as classic poltergeist activity. I warned Paul that worse was surely to come, but he refused to acknowledge the existence of the spiritual realm and told me to “get on with my job”.
He should have heeded my warning, because the third day of filming was a day of terror for everyone concerned. Whilst Burrell was berating a young girl for adding milk to a teacup before the hot water, all the lights in the room went out once more. In the darkness, we could hear strange and terrible noises. When we finally got the lights back on, Kylie from Darwin let out a piercing scream. A message had been scrawled, apparently in blood, on one of the walls. It was just two words:
“Thieving bastard!”
Intrigued, I went for a closer look and I rubbed by finger against the message.
“This isn't blood!” I exclaimed, “It's lipstick!”
At that, Burrell's face flushed bright red and he stormed out of the shoot. We didn't see him again until the next day.
On the fourth day Burrell returned, acting as if nothing had happened. But this day would show him that ignoring supernatural phenomena would not make it go away. After lunch Paul declared that someone had stolen his car keys, as they were “not where he had left them”. He was accusing anyone who came near him of stealing them and he was in a foul mood. Towards the end of the day's shoot, as he was lording it over all the young Australian girls, deciding which girl would enjoy the dubious honour of progressing to the next round of the competition, matters came to a head. A full spectral manifestation occurred. A ghostly figure of a young woman floated through the wall.
It was Diana, Princess of Wales!
“Wooo, woooo! I am the ghost of Lady Diana, Princess of Wales and Queen of all your Hearts!” said the ghastly apparition of the leggy blonde, “Paul Burrell, you are not worthy of hosting a reality TV programme. You are nothing but a thieving Jeeves! As long as you live, you will be cursed: I shall cause you minor inconveniences for the rest of your life! I will ensure your car keys will never be where you left them. When you are sorting your laundry, I will be there to hide one of your socks. Before you take a shit, I shall use the last of the bogroll! Wooooo, woooooo!"
At this point Paul collapsed to his knees and begged the spirit for forgiveness.
“Forgive me Princess! I was weak,” exclaimed the chubby man servant, “When you died I feared that I would not be able to maintain the lifestyle to which I was now accustomed and so I took just a few keepsakes from your rooms and loaded them into the Luton van which I hired for this purpose. I feared that this would still not provide enough income to allow me to continue to purchase my Fortnum & Mason cornflakes and so I authored an endless stream of books and newspaper articles detailing the intimate details of your life. But, please relent from your haunting. I beg you not to drive me to my grave with petty annoyances!”
The spirit considered the fat butler's plea and then spoke once more.
“Wooooo, woooooo! I have considered your contrite pleadings and I have decided that I will lift this curse. I suppose that your transgressions were trivial compared to some. After all, the Queen and Prince Philip were at the centre of a conspiracy to have me assassinated involving the CIA, MI6, the Illuminati and shape-shifting reptilians from the lower-6th dimension.”
With this, the spirit slowly faded back into the wall, leaving one final message as she departed.
“Wooooooo!” she said, “I'm off to piss in the old bag's teapot.” and then she disappeared forever.
The butler's car keys then reappeared on the table where he had left them.
With her enduring kindness, Diana showed that even in death, she is still truly the ectoplasmic Queen of our hearts.
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