Only days ago, actor David Tennant revealed his intention to leave popular nonsense-based televisual camp-fest, Doctor Who. Since the announcement, school playgrounds, seedy comic-book stores and soul-destroying internet fan forums have been buzzing with ill-informed rumour and masturbatory fantasies concerning Tennant's successor for the role.
Adding fuel to the Gallifreyan flames, Steven Moffat, the show's preposterously-monikered new producer, had the following to say:
“He should be 40-plus and weird-looking — the kind of wacky grandfather kids know on sight to be secretly one of them.”
Moffat's pronouncement has narrowed fans' focus to a few well known faces in British show business. There is no consensus about who most fits this description, but the front runner on popular fan forum DoctorDoctor.com is that pop sensation Gary Glitter could get the job!
If the show's producers do decide to recruit Glitter, perfomer of 70s schoolyard anthem Leader of the Gang (I Am), to play Britain's favourite time-traveller, they will have to find him first. After returning home from Vietnam, where he spent 27 months in jail for sexually abusing two young girls, the convicted paedophile was apprehended by police and added to the sex offenders register. He is currently in hiding and his whereabouts are unknown.
If Glitter, 64, becomes the 11th actor to pilot the TARDIS, he will be the oldest to ever do so, beating William Hartnell by 8 years. He will also be the first convicted — rather than merely suspected — child molester to take the part of the famous Timelord.